Raw talent

A Pledge, A Pledge, my Kingdom for a Pledge!

Spare a thought for a guy I know well, a serving police officer of over 24 years experience. A frontline officer for most of his service, he's been battling with a nasty medical condition that's laid him very low. He has had quite a bit of time off on sick leave with it, but seems to be winning the fight and is much better, although the force Medical Officer has deemed that he needs regular hours to aid his recovery and continued well being. This has resulted in him coming off his beloved beat work. However, he feels his fate may be worse than death, as he is now in fear of being posted into a department...yes, thats right a department that ensures the implementation of....THE PLEDGE (Bollocks don't come in much bigger loads than this).

Faced with the prospect of joining the `team` that has the heavy responsibility of, amongst other things, thinking up slogans and creating stickers that say "Drive to Arrive", to then be stuck in all the police vehicles in the fleet, he fears he may soon be in the queue for stress counselling, something he never thought he'd need. I wonder if this bloody Pledge and its stickers is what Home Sec. Alan Johnson's 10% cut in overtime is paying for?

Or perhaps we should all just go to church and pray for common sense guidance to prevail. Well it's what Tony Blair did in a crisis, wasn't it?

Cool Hand Hogday?

Job Title:	Community Service Supervisors
Job Type:	Contract / Part - Time
Job Location:
Job Salary:	£10 per hour
Job Benefits:
Job Employer:	Criminal Justice Skills
Job Skills:
Description:

Our client, a high performing Probation Area, has an urgent requirement for Community Service Supervisors

This is a superb opportunity for those who are looking for a part time role to help keep them busy!

Successful candidates will have previous experience of working with offenders and come from a Police, Probation, Youth Offending or Housing backgrounds. You should also have practical experience of work such as Gardening, DIY, decorating etc


Your main duties will include supervising a team of offenders (up to 6) while carrying out community service tasks including gardening, litter picking or ground clearance. No previous experience is necessary as on the job training will be given.

This is a contract position starting ASAP


I didn't realise that crime pays £10 an hour? The above job spec was sent to me today. Sadly, I never had time to pick up any decent gardening skills during my police career and my DiY is strictly `do it for Myself`, so I won't be applying for this one - unless, of course, I get to sit on a horse, wear a cowboy hat and mirrored sunglasses and carry a Winchester .30 30 rifle

RIP Richard Todd

It was with sadness, as I was driving to the south of England last Friday, that I heard of the death of the British actor, Richard Todd. Apart from being a star of the silver screen of his generation, Richard Todd was also a war hero, a role he played down with considerable modesty.

He was one of the first allied soldiers to land in France on D-Day, June 6th 1944, at a little past midnight. He was an officer of the Airborne who supported the Oxfordshire and Buckinghamshire Light Infantry who's combined exploits that night were, by any measure of bravery, skill and daring, utterly breathtaking. I blogged about this quite some time ago so will link it here should anyone wish to read it again. In the famous Hollywood film, "The Longest Day", Todd played the leader of that outstanding foray into occupied France, Major John Howard, so his role in the film was something of particular significance and poignancy.

But what really piqued me was the way the BBC News on Radio 2 announced it. Some may call me a pedantic old fart, but when it comes to reporting on anything connected with what was one of the greatest Coup de Mains in history I expect, for the sake of the preservation of the memory of Richard Todd and those who embarked with him, that the bloody Beeb give greater detail to this utterly remarkable feat of arms. Lest we forget, or cause this generation to fail to grasp it in the first place.

"Up the Ox and Bucks!!"

Keep fit techniques for those `hard to convince` groups

You never know, if we can con people into driving considerately, we may even find a cure for `road rage` and high blood pressure as well....

Money's tight, times is hard, here's your bloody Christmas card

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a
nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be
considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times
and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must
also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally
heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in
the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and
how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty
road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent
inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his
discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply
referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof
may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest
route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the
guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three
kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for
the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from
the camels’ hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions -
including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this
investigation takes place.

"Right, Taliban, now you've really asked for it ...."

So, the last-one-on-the-list Secretary of State for Defence (former car plant trade union shop steward, Bob Ainsworth) can now tell us, via Oh My Gordo Brown, that another 500 of this country's finest are to be deployed to Afghanistan because, `all the conditions have been met in respect of them being properly equipped for the task`. Is it me being thick or aren't our Nation's armed forces supposed to be equipped, period? I mean, we don't go to war and then say, oh, hang on a minute, we need to hang back so that we can ensure we are fully equipped. This smacks of the state we were in back in 1939, having watched the Nazis arm up for years and then march across Europe - but thats all just history I suppose.

Judging from the complaints I hear via some of the troops already out there, I hope `properly equipped` will include enough body armour, enough appropriate combat clothing including boots and socks and appropriate combat vehicles including support aircraft? I assume this is what "Bollocks" Bob means? I do hope so, on the day when they've announced that another member of my injured nephew's regiment has lost his life in the cause. Oh and Gordo, SF units rather like their presence to be kept under wraps, so best not mention it anymore - at least not without asking them first. I mean, they don't tell you how to run the country.